Okay, it might be unfair to review this one, since it's a bad b-movie about the making of bad b-movies, therefore, it's bad on purpose, but I digress and really don't care.
Here's the premise:
We start the movie with a pretty funny warning that whenever you hear a funny horn sound, you should close your eyes to avoid seeing sexually explicit scenes. Okay, so that's kind of funny. Cue space credits. Then we open up with a movie being made that could easily be a bad HBO film. There, you see that? Tits in the first three minutes.
Here's where things start to piss me off. The title is misleading as hell. I saw "Bad Girls from Mars" and obviously I assumed that would be the movie. Some hot martian women getting naked all the time in sexy alien suits with no discernible story - just some twisted earthly invasion seeking earth cock or something like that. Unfortunately, that is only the premise of the film that's being made within the film. Yes, the movie is actually about the movie "Bad Girls from Mars" having production problems because someone is killing off all of the female leads. I envy the guy who'd been offered a stunt cock about five minutes in, as I'd really like to hire a stunt cock to suck this movie down for me. Or at least a fluffer to get me through it.
Ten minutes in, I hear the name Emanuele, but don't worry, it's not that one. Although it could easily have been a parody of the woman who played Emanuele in that god awful series. Apparently, "she's got great tits."
Alright, I already wish this movie were Copernicus and I were the pope. To death with you, fucker.
The movie continues. Everyone is some sort of moral cesspool of a human being, thus justifying their deaths. Although, as you'll notice in these Z-Rate attempts at splatstick comedy, there's never any resemblance of the good horror system. There's never the virgin or the Ahab. Sorry, but any horror or horror/comedy flick needs a virgin and an Ahab, because there are your survivors. I didn't even stick around until the end of the movie to see if there was one. I couldn't! It's unwatchable! Even with all of the Russ Meyer-esque nudity and gratuitous tits everywhere, it's completely unwatchable.
The parts that are meant to be funny aren't, and the parts that seem to be meant to be splatstick seem to lack the splat, and seriously lack the stick! Trying to sit through this movie is like sitting through the original Ghostbusters game for NES, when you have everything you need to enter the Zuul building, but it seems to take an hour and a half to start blinking, thus allowing you inside. Except this movie is one step further. It's like finally being allowed access to the Zuul building after an hour and a half, but then dying right away inside, because a ghost is just waiting by the door for you and there's nothing you can do about it.
The moral of this review is that tits, no matter how nice and frequent they might be, does not make for a good B-Movie. It takes tits, tack, truth, terror, and titillation. This movie only had number one, and I might even say - yeah, I might even say - a little too much of it.
Of a list of things I'd rather do than watch this movie again, I'd have to include being slowly eaten alive by rabid squirrels with AIDS, while being forced to watch a naked fat girl eat her own shit. However, here's my review. I give it one star. One star for the tits and the originality, even though the original idea sucked. Or at least the execution did.
No comments:
Post a Comment